.why i chose acting.

i see old photos and know i followed the perfect path for me. i was always a show off in front of a camera. i always wrangled my friends into my wild ideas. it was a natural progression for me to come to hollywood and pursue a career in TV, film & stage. i’m not sure where i got this gene. maybe my mother who loves to sing, as does her entire family. or my father, who’s fabulous with words in front of a group, a natural leader & speaker who can convey emotion easily, and heartbreakingly at times. or his side of the family, his mother, my grandmother, who had great style and an eye for fashion, furniture & art. she was at all my dance performances and fully supported the arts.

you may think how dare she… who does she think she is, where does she get off ‘getting’ to go to hollywood and follow her dreams. well, it’s not like that at all. i have no trust fund. i have massive credit card debit. the only low points in my life have been the times i’ve tried to pursue a ‘real’ job. crippling breakdowns at the thought of not fulfilling my greatest potential as an artist, and being utterly frustrated with being part of a ‘system’ …so it’s not out of luck or money or a big break that got me here. it was blood, sweat & tears. it was ‘coming out’ to my family and sitting through hours of lectures about how wrong this choice is. it’s the still constant smirks and dirty looks by people in my past who ‘don’t get it’ who ‘think i can do better’ …i’m sure i would make a great housewife or typist, or teacher or event planner… but the point is i want to do all of those things, and more. i was it all. i want to touch it all and then drop it, i’m best at that, can’t i be that? life is designed for those who are scared of change, of uncertainty. but that’s the essence of life. i’m scared of monotony, of lifelong commitment, except to art, artists, musicians, freedom to create, to change to grow to express.

it was trying everything else and being horribly depressed. it was working long hours on sets as a caterer & extra to learn the business. it was losing money and time in classes & workshops designed to make/take money. it was getting on stage and bombing a million times. it’s looking in the mirror and not only seeing flaws, but dealing with them as a hinderance to dreams. it was spending money trying to fix it and eventually getting over it. it’s 100 auditions for 1 booking. it’s meeting with agents who shoot you down. it’s printing 100 pictures with your last bit of money to find they are flawed. it’s buying new shoes for the audition and not booking the job. it’s buying what you need for the job and breaking even, or never getting a similar job again.

but it’s also preparation meeting opportunity. it’s knowing i’m perfect for a part, conveying that & booking it. it’s expressing myself despite potential embarrassment, only to be praised for my boldness. it’s taking a risk with an outfit & being photographed in it. it’s getting on stage, trying something new and getting a huge laugh, or discovering a new character. it’s 8am phone calls inviting you to set, by 10 am you’re the new lead girl. it’s a movie you made 2 years ago still winning awards in festivals. it’s the director you worked with 5 years ago who just won an oscar. it’s friends being hired for bigger jobs all the time. it’s seeing them on TV & films, hearing their songs on the radio, and knowing with love, time, persistence, heart, stamina, & courage, success is inevitable.

it’s trusting the unknown and believing in yourself so much as being capable to handle the most competitive and cut throat industry in the world, with grace. it’s knowing your limits, boundaries, talents and sticking to them, or working through them to take your craft to the next level. it’s the nuances between what is art or craft. it’s letting go your own vision for someone else’s or showing up realizing no one has an idea but you, and being glad you were prepared. it’s being totally prepared and totally wrong.

but it’s mostly just art. it’s just doing the best you can do, creatively to give every vision, idea and to execute your idea to best share it. it’s not being selfish with your art. it’s radical self-reliance & radical self-expression every day, all day. it’s living with one foot in the ‘real world’ and one in a fantasy world only you see, that one day you hope/know/pray/trust will become real.

it’s being completely scared about the future. it’s having no security. no family. it’s your family not exactly trusting you. it’s ridicule by those who don’t understand. by those who are bitter or angry because they stayed in a job they hated even though it brought security.  it’s being resented because you’re not suffering (but what do they know) it’s the money you don’t have, the insurance, the family, the car, the house, the retirement plan. it’s freaking scary. not everyone could do it, wants to do it. needs to do it like i do. it itches inside of me, the feeling that i’m on the right path. that these times are tough, but one day they will be worth it. that no matter what i sacrifice, the gift i’m bringing is way more important that the things i’m missing out on.

it’s finding a family of friends to support you, it’s supporting your creative friends & helping them, without promise. not for the money. it’s for the love, the belief, the gratefulness that you’re not in this alone. the reassurance that you’re not crazy.

i can’t exactly explain why, but somehow it’s worth it.

1 year ago  /  Notes